Life

Just over two months ago, I had my transplant! It’s been both an amazing time, and at points very difficult – due to the horrible word rejection and a near hospital readmission. It has been beyond what I could have possibly imagined. It’s also been quite lonely. I’ve been shielding and so my normal support network (apart from Darren), have not been able to help me like they would have done. So I have had to achieve a lot on my own, this has – according to the transplant team put me further forward than a lot of recovering transplant patients, which is positive. But its also been hard. I’ve appreciated more than ever, my family and friends, checking in.

There have been many wonderful moments – thinking I should be at dialysis and realising I don’t have to go. Having my first shower in 8 months and my first bath in 2 years. Knowing that all tubes and bits of plastic are out of my body. And most importantly, knowing that I made it. A week before the call, Darren and I had a painful conversation, we didn’t think my body could take much more. I’d had two bouts of peritonitis, one in November and one in January. I’d had covid in April and that was terrible, I narrowly avoided a hospital admission. So after covid, I was broken. But I did make it. I think my consultant may have also thought the same… when she came in to see me after the transplant she cried and then I cried.

There have been lots of challenges too. I’m on 30 tablets a day at the moment. So many drugs to get used to and their associated side effects – and all at once. One of which is a tremor in my hands. I cannot even take a picture on a camera phone without it being very blurry (though I managed it today, I think I just got lucky). They tell me that eventually, my body should get used to the drugs, but it could take a few months. They also took me off all the medication I was on before transplant. They want to see what the kidney can do and what it cannot. One of those drugs was for nerve pain, the nerve pain came back almost instantly and it was awful. Fortunately, I’m back on the medication. But it’s taken a while to get the dose right and I’m only now seeing respite from the pain.

In my first consultation after the operation, the doctor told me that these first three months would be harder than the previous three on dialysis. I did not believe him, as dialysis is so gruelling and I had covid. But now I’m living it I realise in some ways he was right. It takes a while to get the drugs right and the level of anxiety has been intense. In fact, I’ve never been this anxious before. But every time they mention the word ‘rejection’ the level of fear is palpable. This kidney is my life line, and a chance at a normal life. Although when it was said for the third time I handled it a bit better. Previous experience is helping – the new kidney keeps rallying.

Despite all the challenges, I really am so incredibly grateful. I know that once I’ve got through these first 3 months and once the fear of rejection subsides (all being well), there will be no stopping me. Now and then I have a really good day. On these days I can see a glimmer of my new life, a truly wonderful one. I am not sure what this new life will hold for me. I may go on a different path career-wise. But we will have to see what happens with this tremor and how I am feeling in a few months. I also don’t think I can build everything back up again, it took me a long time to save the money to buy all the equipment and a lot of it now needs updating. Plus, I now have a suppressed immune system and always will, so I have to seriously think about working with young children. Covid has brought this even further to the fore. So I will consider everything and think long and hard.

I appreciate all the clients that I have met along the way and some of you became friends. You have been there with me on this journey (I laugh as I write this as my Dad groans when he hears someone say they’ve been on a journey). But it truly has been. Your support has helped me through the darkest of days, now I hope there will be so much more light. Life will be full of possibility I just do not know where it might take me…

There and back again

https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/AuraDigitalBackdrops/edit?ref=seller-platform-mcnav

There and back again

So my last post was a bit traumatic. I wrote it, I lived it and I never want to revisit it. A few months on and I am much stronger. Life is still challenging as I am doing dialysis four times a day and sometimes its painful, sometimes its gruelling and sometimes its just over with no fuss. Fortunately there is a bit of light in sight. I am going to the overnight machine, which will give me my days back. I cannot wait, as I literally feel tethered to the house at the moment. They are also changing the fluid. Apparently it is less acidic and so will reduce the pain quite significantly, I am genuinely really excited about this new fluid.

After I started the dialysis, my body went into shock and my hb fell through the floor, because of this and because my weight was so low they decided I would not be strong enough to go through a transplant. So, 4 months ago I was suspended from the list. I was absolutely devastated about this. Transplant is my goal, my lifeline. So to be taken off was a blow, (even though I knew they were right.) Three weeks ago I thought they were going to let me back on the list. The meeting was scheduled to discuss my case and my consultant (who had to make sure I was strong enough) told me that he was sure I would be put back on. But I got the call and they told me that because I had been so poorly I still was not strong enough for the operation. So, I needed a bit of extra time and I needed to put on at least 2 kilos. I hadn’t put any weight on in 6 weeks. So for me this seemed like an impossible task. But, three weeks on and I am half a kilo away from my goal. I cannot imagine how I am going to feel when they put me back on the list. Elated springs to mind.

I have continued to work as much as I can. Shoots are still a way off. I get tired so quickly and shoots require such a continued burst of energy, which I just don’t have. I can though work on my digital backdrops on photoshop. I sold one to a photographer I really admire last week and I was chuffed to bits. I am also still doing my stock work. The two combined aren’t bringing me in a wage, but its enough to pay a few little bills and buy Darren a guinness every now and then. Plus, its kept up my skills in photoshop which would have been quickly lost had I not been regularly working in photoshop.

https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/AuraDigitalBackdrops/edit?ref=seller-platform-mcnav
Digital Backdrop, fluffy sheepskin and teddies

Above is one of my backdrops and here is the backdrop with my niece composited into the image…

 

https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/AuraDigitalBackdrops/edit?ref=seller-platform-mcnav
Digital Backdrop, fluffy sheepskin and teddies

 

The one below is one of my most popular backdrops at the moment.

 

Digital backdrop, wicker basket and white fairy lights

I really hope that my next blog is even more positive and you never know that transplant call might be just round that corner. I don’t think there will be any stopping me then. I am going to grab life and celebrate everything. I am as before so grateful to the people in my life that have got me through this time. Their support means everything to me and it will not be forgotten.

 

Health and photography

Health and photography

Importance of health and my love of photography

 

Fyi, this is more of a personal post, but it does talk about both my health and photography.

Last night, was a long night. I was up at 2am and then 4am, which in itself is nothing unusual for me. But, last night as well as not being able to walk, (as there is gout in my foot) for a very brief moment I could not open my eyes. It was frightening, it took me about 30 seconds and then I could open them but they were stinging so much. I have had what feels like grit in my eyes for the last couple of months. But I wonder now if this is to do with the gout, another horrible complication of renal failure. Fortunately the Gp has given me steroids and I really hope that this is quick to work, for my eyes are very sore today.

As I couldn’t sleep, I was just thinking. A past-time I have got particularly good at in the last few months. My thoughts focused on positive mental attitude. I am a firm believer that this makes a difference. If the brain can keep going, the body keeps going too. If the brain gives up, the body has nothing to tell it it needs to fight on, it will be ok, it is worth the pain, and you will get through to the other side. It motivates and mobilises the body to keep fighting. But at the same time, I also think that a positive mental attitude can’t cure you. If major things start to go wrong with the body, you need help. The body is an amazing delicate ecosystem and once things start to go wrong there is a domino effect. All the positivity in the world cannot redress that.

My photography as always has always been a positive force in my life. I am continuing every day to do photoshop work and to take a couple of pictures, even if I am only walking a couple of metres to photograph it. The photography has been my solace ever since my diagnosis, it provides distraction and it is a creative endeavour. It is important to be able to create when your body feels like it is being constantly damaged. My love of photography is uplifting and no pun intended keeps me focused. My health and photography are now completely entwined.

I do remain positive, and I do believe I will be ok. The aches and pains that have been plaguing my body for at least a year, well, the doctors have found the cause. It can be easily rectified by removing a troublesome gland. So, I am positive that I will be able to keep strong, keep going and keep shooting.

Stay well, Victoria x

 

Saunton sands, Devon
Saunton Sands, Devon. Reflections in the water.

 

Saunton Sands, Devon. Reflections in the water.
Saunton Sands, Devon. Reflections in the water.

Saunton Sands, Devon. Reflections in the water.
Saunton Sands, Devon. Reflections in the water.

Stock photography by Victoria Ashman at Alamy

 

 

Change…

Change…

I posted this letter to my Facebook page a few days ago. In the time since I have been taking stock, and now I am feeling better about the future. Sometimes the hardest thing is making a tough decision and then afterwards you can deal with it and move forward. The first thing I did after diagnosis was go out and take photographs, it calms me and fulfils me and after posting this I did the same thing.

heavens-gate-sun-throughh-trees

Hope you are all well. Thank you for taking the time to read this letter.

After much procrastination, soul searching, defiance and eventual necessity I have decided to give up my studio shoots (not my outdoor shoots). I have been battling with kidney failure for a long time now, but I am now at the stage where dialysis is in my immediate future. I have been on the waiting list for a transplant for 18 months and if I lose any more kidney function I’ve been told I have to prepare for dialysis. The studio shoots are physical and involve a lot of heavy lifting, both before and after, and it is simply getting too much. I have been stubbornly resisting. But last night I was told that the studio space I rent has been sold and I need to vacate by the end of February. So, the decision has been taken out of my hands.

I had a look through the proofs from my shoots a couple of days ago and I was amazed to see just how many studio shoots I have photographed. It must be more than 500, which really makes me smile.

I will continue the outdoor shoots for as long as I can and I am now focusing on selling digital backdrops to other photographers and selling my stock images through image libraries.

Thank you so much for your continued support. I am not going anywhere just yet and now I need to look forward to a new chapter.

Many thanks always,

Victoria x

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