Goodness, it’s been so long since I last wrote a blog post. The last 18 months have been good, and my kidney is doing well. However, the health anxiety and generalized anxiety did not abate. I could not understand this and was frustrated by it. My health was better. So, I wanted to get out into the world and reclaim some of the things lost to me. But, as I’ve found out the body keeps the score, and all that trauma is not forgotten. Reading and listening to podcasts about trauma and taking steps to look after my mental health has helped me to understand why my body could not get itself out of the fight or flight response. I’ve become more compassionate with myself and am trying to accept that I will be left with this anxiety, but it will become less with time.
Photography as always, has been a positive outlet, and getting out in nature with my camera makes me feel better. My nervous system calms, and I’m in the moment, which is so good for me – as I often can’t feel the moment. My adrenaline courses through my body, panic sets in, and I’m busy trying to work out how to get out of the situation I’m in (however benign). First happening at the hospital and the doctors, it then happened at the cinema, theatre, and restaurants. Various strategies are helping me manage this, and I think going forward I’ll just have to expose myself to these situations. But reassure my body that it is fine, and safe, use tracking techniques and distract my amygdala! At first, I thought I should be just able to talk my brain down. But I now know that once this fight or flight sets in, you can’t reason with it – my brain perceives a threat and wants to get me away. By tracking, I should be able to calm my brain before the stress hormones flood the body. Yet again, I am on a journey of learning. I can’t fight it or wish it away. My brain has looked after me through the darkest of times, now I have to return the favour.
A few of my recent submissions to Arcangel
